Night had fallen and given birth to a full moon. In the distance, the lonesome wolves howled in recognition of our t-shirts. We had planned to start our quest in daylight, but because of Tyrant_King's appointment with the orthodontist, we were starting late. Our quest would begin when the evil powers were at their strongest, when the creatures that lurk in shadows find the world is covered in shadow.

The heroes of the land slowly came together at our assigned meeting point, a grove of ancient oaks that offered the only protection within a day's march of Count Chocula's Castle. This raid would go down in legend. The tale would be embellished, retold, and finally be uploaded to awesome servers where everyone would know how cool we are.

Sadly, when the time to set out came, Killah was not with us. Death_Lily told us the tale that she heard from some guy on another forum. Brandon's parents were getting a divorce, and it seems that in the settlement they had forgotten to say who got Brandon. They hadn't seen him in so long they just forgot about him. For now, he had to live with his grandmother and she only had dialup. We offered a brief prayer for him, and set off.

The march there was perilous, but not for a party such as we. We slew fire wolves and ice bats left and right until, finally, we came upon the castle. I turned and noticed that the healers had lagged behind. Lightning_Buddha had been forced to removed the garbage from the residence like a common plebe, and his fellow healers waited for him. Sadly, Tiger_Beak did not notice this, and he charged ahead. I shouted his name, and looked back and me, but there was bloodlust in his eyes.

"No!" I shouted! "It's too soon for bloodlust!" But it was too late. He charged alone into the gaping portal to a horrible death. Without our healers, there was nothing we could do to save him, only watch as he embraced his own death. We figured at least we could loot his body. Sadly, Harping_Angel, a 7th grader who was madly in love with Tiger_Beak, did not come to the same rational conclusion. She had seen pictures of Tiger_Beak's tattoos (at least what he claimed were his tattoos), and she was blinded with love. She charged after him. I tried to grab her, but I was also talking on the phone with my ex-wife about the latest pokemon, and my reflexes weren't so great. I then considered what magic items she might be carrying for future reference. She followed Tiger_Beak into the castle. It was just moments later that we heard their screams. I turned down my speakers.

Finally the Healer Corps joined us. As planned, we sent the Death Knights around back into the secret entrance that our spies had discovered two nights before. Men lost their lives to bring us that information, so we wanted to do the most with it. Just as they were leaving, I shouted out to them.

"Death Knights... Allah be with you." I said solemnly. They looked at each other questioningly, and then nodded.

"Oh, sure, that makes sense! Here I come," said Allah. He broke off from the rest of the Healer Corps and went with the Death Knights. He was our strongest healer, but we had several others. In order for this to work, the Death Knights needed to get to the back of the throne room just as we assaulted from the front. If not, all was lost. Allah would be of most use keeping them standing and going where most healers would fail.

We waited a few minutes for them to get into position. We stood around awkwardly. Roaring_Lynx asked "Is it normal to be able to see all the veins in my arms?" We all answered "Of course it is," and we buffed ourselves.

I drew my brilliant Rainbow Sword, which nearly pushed back the night. We stood poised to charge across the drawbridge and into the castle... and waited. Finally, we heard the "Coo-Ock! Coo-Ock!" signal.

"On me! On me!" I shouted, and I led the charge into the unholy darkness that we knew held a surprisingly nice amount of treasure. As soon as we entered the looming gates, I felt time slow to a crawl, and the battle was joined...

Ladies and gentlemen (just kidding, ladies don't come to this forum), we have reached the end of the internet. This is the ultimate funny, and no other funny will ever eclipse it. I'll email Al Gore to have him turn off the internet for us.

The good news is that I now feel like I've played WoW. No need to actually experience it.

It can't be the end because next week we have Once More Unto The Breach.

I like this idea. The real recap (if our fearless DM ever disconnects himself from the WoW servers), and another, more lighthearted, commentary.

I was going to be sad that we weren't going to get any more Zem recaps for a few years. I feel better now.

The battle raged around us. We believed, foolishly it seems, that we would have an easy battle in the courtyard and things would get slowly harder from there. It looked like Count Dracula did not want anyone invading his home and established a strong defense right away to ensure that. There were so many Ice Zombies and Fire Bats that I could barely see what was going on. Compatriots cried out for help, but I could not risk turning my back on the coming waves to help them. My Rainbow sword gleamed brightly, though, and I rallied my brothers to me. "To me! To me!" I shouted, and eventually I struck down the last Fire Bat. I looked around at the carnage. We had lost a third of our number. The rogues were hit the hardest, but fortunately we had protected our priests well. They healed us, we looted the bodies of the fallen, and we pressed on.

The foyer was ominously quiet. After the assault we had endured, the stark contrast left us feeling fearful. The manor was decorated in early Victorian, and we made our way through the various rooms looking for hidden treasure or fiends. When we came to the kitchen, we sat down and had some tea and crumpets to calm our nerves. We hoped the Death Knights were doing well.

We moved onto the second floor, and this is where we encountered the truly evil mini-boss, Baron Bratwurste. The Baron had a unique power. He could take control over the body of someone in our party, going from one to another. While doing so, his own body was invulnerable. The only way to damage him was to hit the person whose body he had taken. He could switch bodies every ten seconds, which was difficult to deal with. A mage might begin preparing a spell that is effective against a shaman that the Baron was controlling, only to have him occupy the body of a paladin when the spell went off. The chaos ensued because when someone's body was taken over, they were prevented from communicating with the rest of us. The Baron could even send some generated messages out as the possessed player! So when Destruction_Desie attacked Boldly_Kirk, was it because she knew Boldly_Kirk was now the Baron, or because she was the Baron?! The rest of the party did their best to guess. When they guessed correctly, they did no damage to the real player, only the Baron, but when they guessed wrongly... horror.

I took a different approach. Knowing that it worked best against the weak-minded, I just continued to wail on our last remaining rogue, Naive_Knave. I figured eventually the Baron would take control of him. Besides, no one liked Naive_Knave. The rumor was that IRL he had fingered Death_Lily when she got drunk after she broke up with Emperor_Palpable and then bragged about it when she asked him not to because she was trying to hook up with Goader and didn't want to seem like a slut. Death_Lily helped me flank on Naive_Knave, and soon he was down. We probably didn't need to finish him off since the Baron wouldn't occupy someone unconscious, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Eventually Bohemian_Rapist struck down the possessed Bizarro_Smurfette and the Baron was destroyed. We were now down to half our original number. We again looted the bodies, poured some tequila on the ground for our fallen homies, and moved on.

We made our way to massive doors. We buffed ourselves again and pushed them open. The loud creak they emitted ruined any chance we had for surprise. It was a throne room, large and very dimly lit. We crossed over the threshold and felt the chill of the grave. At the far end, a single gold and red velvet throne rested on a raised dais. It was empty. We walked in, huddled in a small group all facing outwards, our footsteps echoing throughout the room. The ceiling above was lost in darkness. The light of my Rainbow sword could not push back the darkness.

After several minutes, we thought perhaps the evil Count Chocula had fled ahead of us, and we slowly let down our guards and patted each other on the back. That's when he must have dropped from the ceiling into the center of our group. He struck at Death_Lily, sinking his fangs into her pale neck. All she said was "O.o" as she fell, and then she was silent. Dribbles of chocolate flowed out of the two bite marks. We turned and attacked, but suddenly he was elsewhere. He could move so fast we could hardly hit him. Lightning_Cain and Goader were down in moments, and then he seemed to be focusing on our priests. They could resist him somewhat, but their time was limited and without them, we were finished. Still, we fought bravely. It would be close, be we were landing a few more hits. Sadly, that's when it seemed the ceiling fell. A dozen more forms, half bat, half man, half M&M, fell from the rafters and came among us. We had planned on telling tales of our great victory, but a victory cannot be great without risk of failure... and sometimes one must meet the failure. It seemed our tales would only be about how nobly we fought to the bitter end.

Just when it seemed the darkness would consume us, a wall by the throne came crashing down and several large figure came rushing through the breach. It was the Death Knights! Several of the vampires moved to hold them, and for a moment it seemed that they would succeed and our fate would be unchanged. Then I heard a powerful shout from through the opening, "Once more unto the breach!" The Death Knights rallied and pushed through. I noticed 4Leaf_Lucky_Lover was not among them, nor was Canis_Halfelf. Those that remained were bloody, but they came rushing to help us. Behind them came Allah, glowing in a holy light. The light weakened Count Dracula and his minions, and suddenly we had a fair fight.

By the end, but five of us remained. I mourned the loss of so many, but I figured they would be back soon. We five, we happy five, we band of brother, were covered in chocolate sauce. After looting the castle and our fallen comrades, we cut the udder off a cow and made some chocolate milk in celebration. We toasted our fallen, and sold a bunch of shit to buy other shit we could use to get more shit.

The odd thing was that no one could remember shouting "Once more unto the breach!" Everyone thought it was someone else who shouted it. Perhaps we will one day unravel the mystery, or perhaps not.

Dawn came, with much sorrow. I realized once more I had put off writing a proper recap for some other gaming thing where people actually hang out and stuff, but that couldn't be helped. We had rid the world of the evil Count Dracula. Well, no, not really. He would be respawned immediately, but still... it was a noble quest. I briefly wondered where we would go next. I envisioned a host of my comrades following my Rainbow sword to destroy Captain Crunch and the evil Toucan Sam that never seemed to leave his shoulder before I fell asleep in my chair, one hand on my specially made WoW mouse and the other in my pants.

This was all because you thought of "emperor palpable" wasn't it.

Once "bohemian rapist" entered your head, you just could not rest.

I've been coming up with the names only when I get to a place for them. I've become rather attached to Death_Lily, though.

But it's because we're still waiting for the complete recap.

It feels like it's almost time for a continuation, since our DM has been silent...

Good call. I shall ponder this over the next few days.

We are nearing two weeks...

It was a dark and stormy night, and I was meeting Matilda for the first time. I don't know how I feel about these IRL meetings, but we've been talking a lot in the guild and it was her idea. I agreed, but I'm still nervous. I played it off like we were just going to be friends in case she just wanted to be friends, but I won't pretend I didn't put on my finest purple underpants. I had seen pictures of Matilda before her gastro bypass surgery and, yeah, she was a little large for my taste. But after the surgery, she is looking like a fine, curvy woman.

We were meeting in a little Indian place. I'm a big fan of having people think I like eating Indian food, and Matilda seemed to like it as well. Finally, I found the courage to walk in. There she was, and I read in a book once that women don't wear strappy heels to meet friends, so I knew at once this was a date. She held out her hand for a shake, and I grasped it firmly because I read in a book that a man should have a firm handshake. She said "ouch," and I knew she was impressed.

We were seated in the dimly lit restaurant. I ordered something orange, and she had something brown. I think something we ordered smelled like Proactive, but I couldn't tell what it was. I just kept getting wafts of it all night. We talked about all sorts of things, from other characters we've played to who should be kicked out of the guild to what the weather was like during the last raid to some really great kill stories. It was really a great time, and we decided to see a movie. I suddenly realized that since this was a date I would be expected to pay for everything. Sure, after a few dates when we're seeing each other regularly she will insist on paying for the cheapest fucking meal ever, but hey, that's how it goes. Still, we pressed on.

We went to see something that sounded scary because I read in a book that women find terror to be arousing. I think it was the Hills Have Potatoes, but I'm not sure. We didn't even make it through the previews before her sausage hands went down into my pants. I was a little upset that in this lighting she couldn't tell my underpants were purple, so I just told her "My underpants are purple." She didn't really have a response to that, but I could tell she was intrigued. I began fondling her bosoms, but it turned out that was just her stomach. She corrected me. I was worried because it must have been the orange thing I ate that smelled like Proactive because I kept smelling it again, and I guess it was my breath. We pressed on.

The next few hours were too risque for logging, but let's just say that I became a man. Thrice.

The next night I started playing again. I was excited to have a girlfriend, and I figured that someone would ask me about it and I could pretend that I don't want to talk about but, of course, I would talk about it in great detail after the minimum questioning time has passed. The first thing I did was send a quick message to Soranorla (Matilda) telling her I had a great time and I couldn't wait to see her again. She wrote me back almost right away.... "ur 2 fat. kthxbye."

I did not see this coming. I noticed that Soranorla was standing near Gandorf the Great while the raiding party assembled, and my heart sank. I felt my eyes water, and soon the tears fell onto my brightly colored keyboard. Unfortunately, this caused a short and my character began attacking the fellow to my right, Ivan the Terrific, who was a healer. My guild, thinking I had been bought off by another guild to remove the healer, immediately attacked me. It was Suicide by Guild, only I didn't mean to! As my character died, so did my heart.

I respawned, of course, because that's how this stupid shit works. But I was alone. I was a man with no guild, no support, no family. Even Death_Lily spat on my body. How could I explain what happened? They'd never believe me. Keyboards don't short out like that... at least not keyboards used by straight men... and if they thought I were gay, then what could be the source of my tears? Oh wretched fate!!!

I stood on a hill, an outcast. I could go anywhere from here, but I did not care where I went. To the north were the frozen lands, destroyed by years of war. To the east were the lands of the good races. To the west were the races of lesser repute. To the south were the wild lands. I stood looking in each direction, wondering what each would hold for me as the wind blew my long blonde hair in a sort of dreamy wave that looked fucking awesome.

I rationally knew my heartache was common, and that these are the trials that men face daily, yet this did not ease my agony. I knew that there were those who would never lose themselves in the myriad rolls of a woman's belly and that I could consider myself lucky, but this too did not ease my agony. There was only one thing that could satisfy my pain... killing something happier than myself.

And so I journeyed onward, alone...

Wow. Have you been watching The Guild on Netflix?

Excellent.

Yeah, I actually did watch the first episode. Good stuff. It certainly made me think of taking it outside of gaming.

I was a nomad, a wanderer. I told myself that I would remain steadfast in my purpose, but I kept forgetting I had no purpose. I just wanted to survive. I suppose that would suffice as a purpose, but it's hardly revolutionary. Still, I sat down for a bit and wrote a lovely poem about how I was like an ancient oak that had been uprooted in a storm. I called it "Extended Metaphor." In a sense, though I was still alive, without my roots I would soon wither and die.

I heard some people talking outside my window. I wondered about my life online and whether I should take a break to see what weather was all about. I laughed at my small joke and journeyed south into the vast wild lands.

I had visited the edges of the wild lands before, but I had never gone in deeply. That's mainly because there aren't that many great things to fight out there and it was therefore low on the XP/time spent in game scale. Although, sometimes new kids went down there thinking it would be cool, and they were easy targets.

As I traveled, I could hear the sounds of battle off in the distance sometimes. Part of me wanted to join in, but I was generally mopey. I knew killing someone would make me happy, but I really just wanted to put more distance between myself and my former haven. What seemed like days later I came to a great body of water. It was fresh water, so I knew I could journey to the other side. I began chopping down trees to fashion a raft, and that's when I first saw the bear.

He was a monstrous bear. He must have stood 20 feet tall. I drew my sword, took my fighting stance, and prepared to defend, uh, my half-finished raft. The bear raised up his paw, covered with claws that looked like daggers, and I prepared to battle to the death. His swing never came, though. In fact, I noticed one of the things in his paw was a dagger. He was holding it out to me and he let out a painful whimper. Should I kill, or help? I was at a loss, but eventually I grabbed the dagger and pulled it out of his foot. Blood followed, but it was clear this had been hurting the bear. The poor guy must have gotten it stuck in there when he trampled a n00b.

The bear roared in joy, and then began running down the coast. He looked back and gestured for me to follow. Looking at my raft bits for a moment, I ran after him. He led me along the coast and up a small rocky berm. Then he led me into a cave. The cave... Great Gandalf's Ghost, the cave! It was filled with such treasure that I wept. The bear held up a single claw and gestured to the hoard. I was to pick one item...

The choosing was not easy. I looked over it many times, weighing probability. I mean, was this is a situation like the end of Indiana Jones 3, where, I should pick the poorest looking thing? Or should I just pick the biggest thing I could find because, honestly, bears aren't known for their mind games. After careful consideration, I finally picked a gold and ivory statue of a beautiful woman. It stood about 8 inches tall. I held her up and studied her fine form before turning to the bear. He nodded approvingly, and then gestured for me to leave.

I journeyed back to where I had been constructing my raft and never let the statue out my hand. I named her Lisa, and I think she was a bit of a dirty girl. I would need to figure out what magical powers she had. I set her up on a stump as I continued my work on the raft, but I kept looking over to her and wanting to sit and talk to her. Eventually, I did just that.... but I think we all know how "talking" with a beautiful woman alone on a beach goes before too long...

This made for an excellent read. Thanks for that. There isn't much to do in this recovery room.

I don't know why, but I giggled quite a bit at this.

Hi Jay! You smell like baby.

I just showered. No more baby smell YAY!

Yeah right. That stuff hangs around worse than tranny goo and CV grease combined.

Indeed. I think it might wash off in about 13 years if you're lucky.

So there I was, naked on the beach. I had just woken up from a nap like that when I realized I was sunburned and the statue was gone. In its place was an actual woman who looked very much like the statue. However, rather than lounging comfortably next to me in the sand, this was one sitting up, covering herself with my cloak, and looking at me with the look most women use when looking at me. I think other people call it "horror."

She spoke to me in a rather irate tone. "What the hell, dude? I admit I don't know much about what happened, but I do know I was turned into a miniature statue by a wizard, and I know I woke up next you feeling... unclean, and you were naked. Exactly what happened."

I told her my name and asked if she had any sandwiches.

"What is wrong with you?"

Assuming she did not have any sandwiches, I told her what happened. "I do not recall exactly what happened. I was battling a hundred or so orcs when I saw a light in the distance. I dispatched the remaining orcs and followed the light through the trees. It turned out that it was a village that was burning due to the large dragon that did not like villagers. I saw a wizard was directing the dragon, and the wizard was holding a small statue. That may have been you. I advanced upon the wizard to save the village, but the wizard directed the dragon to breathe on me. The fire burned away my clothes, but I still struck the wizard down while naked. I grabbed his possessions in case anything could be used to help the village, and I looked for a way to attack the dragon. However, no longer in thrall of the wizard, the dragon flew away. As we celebrated saving most of the village, I was then attacked from behind. I awoke here on this beach. Those clothes you have there were my spares I kept in my fireproof backpack."

I lie like a champ.

The woman's eyes softened as she thought she had misjudged me. She had accurately judged my actions, but not my ability to BS. The sunburned played into it nicely. "I am sorry, kind hero, for jumping to conclusions. Perhaps the smell of poop all over my body is a side effect of the magic. My name is Aristrola, and I hope you can help me. I am a princess, taken from my home shortly before I was to be wed to a prince to seal a treaty. A wizard wanted to prevent the treaty, and he told me that he left a note indicating I had run away because I would not be wed to such a horrible person. I must return home and attempt to restore peace. If we are where I believe we are, then my kingdom of Garlatora lies across this inland sea."

"Of course I will help you, for I am a hero of many. I was just building a raft here anyway. Let me finish it this afternoon, we can rest here together this evening, and set off in the morning."

She agreed. I seduced her that night. It was even better than what I'd done with the statue.

Fortunately we had a southerly breeze and our half-assed raft with a quarter-assed sail traveled nicely along. I did not know there were kingdoms further south in the wild lands, but it's certainly possible. I was excited to see what else was down there. Maybe I could establish a new base of operations with new friends. I'd never have to be exposed to my old life again.

Day turned into night, and night into day. That's when we put ashore. She took her bearings and set off to the south west. We walked for over another day, and I managed to shoot some animal things we could eat. This impressed her, and the seduction continued.

Finally we came to a large village. She informed me this was an outlying village of her kingdom and we would be welcome there. Sure enough, the people saw her and were both surprised and happy. They prepared a feast and drew me a bath so I could wash off the sweet smell of sex. I soaked in the hot water. I submerged myself, and when I came up I found 10 crossbows pointed at me. One was held by Aristrola. One was held by a giant in a bear costume with the head removed. The eight others were held by villagers.

"Takes his things" she said to one of the villagers. They snagged all my gear, my gold... everything. As they did this I noticed the bear was holding the statue.

She laughed at me. "You must feel stupid. We just have the bear get you a statue, wait for you to fall asleep, I replace the statue, and then get you wonderfully relaxed right here with no weapons. You're a fool."

"I'm no fool. We had sex."

"It's not real sex. It's just a video game."

"It was sex."

"No it wasn't."

"Oh, it totally was."

"No!"

"That's not what you were shouting before!"

"Gag him. We'll toss him in the wilderness. Maybe he'll even survive."

So then I found myself in the middle of nowhere in uncharted lands, naked and with no gear at all.... or so they thought. Everyone laughed when I had my sack replaced with a Bag of Holding. Who's laughing now?!?!?

I felt a little pinch when I went for it, but I found myself a speedo, a cape, and a sword. I was ready. I suppose someone may have been afraid of revenge... for what? Awesome sex?

I did NOT see that coming.

I decided it was time to see what was going on in the craptacular real world. I meandered over to my kitchen table and nudged some jiggling mold out of my way. There I found a sticky note. It said "If you want to play in your own world, you have to put some work into making a map or else the players will lose immersion." Damn, that sticky note was clever. I picked it up and underneath was another sticky note. "If players lose immersion, they will grow bored and stab you in the eye." Damn, that stick note was even cleverer! I would make a map, but first I needed food.

I went to my refrigerator. As I opened it, I saw a tiny monstrosity. It was the Thai food that had been in there for... I'm not sure. I think Bush was president, though. It was standing there holding a slightly mushy celery stick. It tried to bang the celery stick on the shelf, but it sort of smooshed instead. Still, the Thai food shouted "You shall not pass!" The battle was joined. It was close, but eventually I got in a critical hit with 409.

In the refrigerator, though, I found nothing to eat that was not already eating something else. I put on some sun screen, sun glasses, a hat, and long pants and headed outside. There was a long hike ahead of me under the brutal sun, but eventually I made it to my car in the driveway.

I found myself in front of a Panera Bread, but it did not have a drive-through. It looked like a long hike from the parking lot, so I continued on. Eventually I spotted a KFC/Taco Bell. I pulled up to the speaker thingy and a man asked me what I wanted. I pointed to an 8 piece bucket of extra crispy and said "I want that."

He responded "You want what, little girl?"

I said "I want THAT! And I'm not a little girl!"

He responded "Are you pointing at the menu?"

"Yes," I replied, glad he finally understood.

"I can't see you out there, so why don't you try something better."

I was infuriated that my pointing was insufficient, but I still read aloud what I wanted. I got the 8 piece bucket, a side of mashed potatoes and corn, and Nachos Bell Grande. I also just got a water because that's healthy.

I ate in my car by a shady tree, and it was delightful. I didn't quite finish off the mashed potatoes, but I could just grab some by the handful as I drove along. First I went to Barnes and Noble and I looked through all of their maps. I learned a few things.

-No one had bothered to print the maps of my own world yet. This was a shame. I thought this would be the easiest way.

-Not one of the maps in the store were drawn on torn college-ruled notebook paper.

-Kazakhstan is much larger than Kyrgyzstan.

-If you get mashed potatoes all over assorted maps and atlases, those nice people at the store can turn into total jerks.


Resolved to make a better map, I set out. I would find some decent software, get some good paper, and -oh, holy crap, I didn't know there was a gaming/comic book store right there. I should check it out. I wonder if the people inside will be wearing all black and have trouble making friends. I should say hello.

...to be continued...

Wow wow WoW! (pun?)

I will be sad when H kills our current characters. He will then ban any charater we try to make after; save a bard or something slightly more gay...

Barvo.

That is a fantastic name for a bard.

Bravo to you, sir

Damn, it is a good name for a bard!

I'm thinking of a bard named Barvo, a rogue named Dirk, a paladin named Noral, a sorcerer named Abraca, and a ranger named Rayward. I'll have to ponder this for the next installment of "Stop playing WoW and do some DMing, H."

IF I SHAKE THIS BABY WILL IT STOP CRYING


I have friday off. I'll see what I can do about maps!

This is the only one confusing me.